So, I think it's obvious to those of you that know me that I've had the year from hell... For those of you who perhaps don't know me well yet, I'll try to sum up the bulk of what has been probably the worst year of my life.
In October 2011, one of my life long friends, Rory Wilson, passed away suddenly without any explanation that any doctor can give. She laid her beautiful head down to sleep and woke up in Heaven. She was a radiant light in my life and my world has dimmed since she left us. She was my soul sister and was one of the few people who just "got me".
Six months later my new marriage ended, and the direction and plan I had for my life was destroyed. This situation has caused stress and embarrassment for me, and heartache that I wasn't prepared for.
In addition, this passed June, I lost another friend, Teddy Watkins, whom I loved beyond measure. I loved this man the minute I saw him 13 years ago and our friendship was so vital to me. He too passed way unexpectedly and is now in God's eternal care. This loss has left me feeling as though part of my inside is missing and I don't know how else to really describe it.
In addition to these great losses there have been added dramas from other people that have been in my life. And the running theme there just seems to be selfishness and disrespect, adding insult to my already injured heart and mind.
I've been walking in a state of despair, regret, anger, sadness, depression, numbness... Whatever emotion overtakes me at the time. But this is not who I am...
I'm the person that wants to and tries to encourage everyone else. I try to leave light with everyone I can, and this darkness I have allowed myself to settle in, is no longer acceptable.
I can't be the light I want to be for other people, if I'm sitting in the dark myself.
So where does Kate go from here? How do I get myself out of this rut?
Well, I'm going to learn something huge from all these painful experiences, for one.
Until I sit down with God and ask Him myself one day, I may never understand why Rory was taken before (my understanding of) her time....but what I can do, is take all those moments of laughter, wisdom, and light that she shared with me, and reflect with joy on them with the rest of the time I have here. She taught me that it was okay to laugh at myself, and it was okay to be imperfect...because everyday you wake up is a "refresh button" of your life, where you try to improve from the previous day, and love yourself for who you are presently. She gave me an outstanding example of how to leave love and light wherever I go, and to move forward from hard times with the knowledge that there is something greater than me, and something great in me... And I must find and look for the beauty in everyone and everything. I know it's okay to miss her. I will continue to miss her, and I will send her love and light every time she crosses my mind. Then I will walk in joy instead of sadness. Because the joy of having known her, out ways the sadness of losing her.
As far as my marriage, I choose to no longer walk in embarrassment or condemnation... From myself or anyone else. I have a clear conscience and a peace in my heart knowing that I was a good wife, and I gave it my all. And instead of resentment, I will pray hard and stead fast for God's love to keep my heart from becoming hard. Because the joy of walking in love to the world, needs to out way the fear of getting hurt again.
When it comes to my Teddy...I know a couple of things. One, I must forgive him for not realizing how special he was. Two, I must forgive him for dying. That sounds funny, I know... But it's true. The pain caused by Ted's departure has left my emotions all over the place... And anger is one of those emotions. And I have to be free of that. I have to forgive. I need to focus on the laughter, fun, friendship, and love. And I have to hold on to it for dear life. I have to remember that he knew I loved him, and I must find peace in that. And I must picture him held close, accepted, and unconditionally adored in the arms of Jesus with no more suffering. I'm allowed to miss him. And I will always miss him. And every time he enters my mind, I will send him love and light, and I will go about my day with joy instead of sadness. Because the joy of having known him, out ways the sadness of losing him.
As far as anything and anyone else that has caused me additional pain, stress, confusion, or heartache...
All I can do is control myself, not others. I will learn from these experiences. I will not allow situations or people to diminish my sparkle. I will not hold on to bitterness or anger. I will not allow my hurt to cause me to question my worth or what I have to offer. I will continue to try my best to have the people I meet take something good away from knowing me. And I will not be discouraged when people pass me over or are careless with my heart and feelings. Every time I think of these people, I will send them love and light, in hopes that they themselves can improve and live better.
Better days are ahead for me.
“There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts.”
― Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
― Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
No comments:
Post a Comment